mh--, relationship stuff, trans stuff, pride, stream of consciousness in an attempt to be poetic? vent too ig (1/2) 

"Can I put on the nail polish too?"

I don't know, dear. I really don't. I bought this to be true to myself in this time, to finally express my happiness at finding my True Self after 29 long years. My fingers and toes being done as the trans flag in a move that I've been looking forward to since I came out last year. If you support me, I'm happy to let you borrow my polish to match.

But do you?

You claim to, but in these times especially it's clear that actions are louder than words. Every step of my transition has been met with resistance from you. Even now, on the eve of starting HRT, you hesitate. I'm taking the steps to preserve fertility for later. I have done all that you ask - including waiting 8 months to even have the initial consult as I figure this out. Now another two to actually start taking the medicine on my desk. And yet you worry about me going back to where I started. To the point where you get seriously upset if I do more than dress as myself.

Your concerns are valid. I share them too. But this feels *right*. I feel I need to do this. I have tried to minimize the risks of things, but still I worry. But that's beside the point.

I worry, whether you truly love me for me...or for what I can provide. Your support of my transition has felt and continues to feel superficial. I sit here, trying to defer and conceal as I write this, posting on a network you've never heard of for advice/venting before I send it to you. I send my words written, so you don't have a chance to shut down everything by just curling up and saying you're a Bad Horse the second you hit the first thing that isn't a boop, or a cute/sexy piece of art, or anything that's sunshine and moonbeams.

And yet, I'll smile and say "Yes, of course you can" when you ask to borrow my nail polish. Because I love you, and without you I have nobody by my side. We've been friends for so long, how can I just throw that away?

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mh--, relationship stuff, trans stuff, pride, stream of consciousness in an attempt to be poetic? vent too ig (1/2) 

Besides, you help keep my feet on the ground, and I appreciate that more than you know. Our lives are so entangled by now I don’t think we could split even if we tried. And would I even want to? I dream - *nella fantasia* - that one day I can truly live as myself, with people that love and support and uplift each other. In my dream, that includes you. I hope my reality continues to do so

mh--, relationship stuff, trans stuff, pride, stream of consciousness in an attempt to be poetic? vent too ig (1/2) 

I know I’m not perfect. This pain, this mental anguish has kept me from truly sleeping well for weeks. You put up with so much of my nonsense I have no idea how you do it. This is hard as hell to write, but I have to get it out. I am Worst Horse and we both know it. Is it ego that drives me to transition, or is it the promise of a better tomorrow? I finally feel alive, and yet, would doing this lose you? I worry that our courses are yet divergent. Should I sacrifice my shot at becoming who I am meant to be to preserve who I am? Can I, even? My dream of living my authentic self is so closely within reach. And with everything else going on you are the one constant I have in my life. And so I’ll smile and hand you the nail polish, just to preserve the illusion.

Not like it matters, anyway. In the time it took to write this out you’ve already used it

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