Follow

mh -, 18+ trans things 

I’m straight up not having a good time

Realizing just how isolated and alone I am, how fragile and fleeting the good in life is. This has been a hell of a month, in both of us. And the only one I’ve got is my SO...and yet my dumb ass keeps trying to fuck it up. I’ve suppressed all the shit from this past month for her sake - for both of ours. If I could just keep things normal, or close enough to it, we could get through it.

I can’t even figure out how to talk to her about how much of a giant fucking mess my sexuality is without hurting both of us.

And now it’s all crashing down. Right when things start to get back to normal. I’ve lashed out on more than one occasion. I’ve managed to realize just how alone I can be, when even close friends shame me into deleting things I share. I held strong for our Final Fantasy XIV group through the biggest crisis in a year and was their rock, but I can barely keep myself together on a daily basis and keep people at work from sensing something is up. Hell, they probably already guess it — I haven’t exactly been timely as usual for a month. Nobody’s said anything, but I’ve never been this late this consistently. Knowing me I’m about to fuck that up without knowing it. The pressure of my life at home and with people I consider friends is spilling over into the stoic nature I approach my work with. And God help me if they figure out I’m trans before I’m ready to let them know.

I hold strong as long as I can, but it’s just not long enough. I’m just not enough.

Sign in to participate in the conversation
Manechat on Mastodon

The social network of the future: No ads, no corporate surveillance, ethical design, and decentralization! Own your data with Mastodon!